Handling Grief

 I'm very big on preparation. I really don't like to be taken unawares and so I prepare for whatever I perceive would occur...

Hence I research, read and pray a whole lot about whatever I'm about to go through.

But nothing, absolutely nothing prepared me for 9th of May, 2019...the worst day of my life forever😭😭😭 

The day started with me at the library trying to read for a while before my 11am class. Then the worst call came in, informing me to rush home with the guise that she just got out of surgery and needed help at home.

I left the library, dashed to my hostel, packed a few things, (already panicking and in tears) informed my roommate and friend and flew home.

I'd later get home to meet sad faces; some known, others unknown. I actually went blank, not knowing what to think. Then the agitation began, I was restless and couldn't wait for an explanation.

And then came the saddest thing I ever heard…

Aunty. Mercy. Died😭😭😭

Oh! 

How I cried, how I wailed, how I challenged God...

Somehow, I still remember every bit of emotion I felt...the grief, the pain, the numbness, the heartbreak and even the denial. I blamed myself at some point, a couple of times..maybe I should have prayed more..maybe I should have fasted more..maybe I should have been more spiritually sensitive and alert...maybe..

It took quite a while for my subconscious mind to understand the loss. And that was the toughest part for me. I had to convince myself you were no more, would play scenes from the wake keep and burial in my mind just to convince myself it was really true. 

Some days I'd totally forget it all happened and would pick up my phone to call you, then the memories and emotions would come all over again. Hard stuff mehn! I remember considering seeing a shrink at this point.. lol.

#exhale

I remember like yesterday...It was about this time, exactly two years ago, I stood and watched, shovel after shovel how your casket was made to disappear six feet below. 

Somehow, I still hoped that you'd resurrect and make a noise so that they'd stop the burial and quickly reach out for your casket, this time rejoicing...but it was only in my head. The casket really did disappear into the ground and they went on to place a slab over the spot after which your name and other details was inscribed on it. 

That day was the last time I saw you in flesh, even though as a corpse. I left the cemetery right after the inscription was done, knowing fully well that your name and legacy was inscribed on my heart and the hearts of many others forever.

Oh! How I miss you...but then I continue to take solace in God. 

It was a really dark season, no jokes and healing is indeed a journey, as I've come to realize. And a couple of things have helped the process.

Music. When words fail, music speaks. Indeed! I am very musical. I enjoy music so much that I actually meditate on the lyrics of any song that's in season for me. So right in the agony, Praise You in the Storm by Casting Crown was my go to song.

The song came to my mind right after my first episode of tears and I just reached out for an earpiece and plugged in.

Shall I let you in on my favorite lines??

Enjoy!

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

This song still ministers to me big time. Enjoy the full version here:

https://tinyurl.com/cc9kuve9

#deepsigh

Next...

The word. Funny enough, God had given me a word the night before I was called to go home. It was in retrospect I got to understand. Lol.. Intentional God!

So I was seated in the library again, overwhelmed with reading and was just not in a good mood. I couldn't place my hands on what was wrong and I wasn't ready to return to my hostel. So I decided to read a book (can't remember the title now) a particular line in the book caught my attention and I took a closer look. 

Then followed the trail from the book to the Bible (there was a Bible verse referenced there) and behold this word in Isaiah 61:3 jumped at me.

"To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.”

It was definitely my Rhema in that season. I meditated on it and knew God was telling me to rejoice. I obeyed, felt lighter and returned to the hostel

Guys, the word of God is so real. So so real. It comforts in unimaginable ways. I'm so grateful for the word. Whatever you go through in life, best believe there's a word in the scripture for you. Pay attention and take God by His words.

Talk to people. You should have a few close friends who would accommodate you unpacking your emotions to them and that's absolutely beautiful. Go right ahead and enjoy the blessing of a friend that sticks closer than a brother.

Now this is not my thing. I'm just learning to. I prefer to process my

emotions by internalizing events and thinking alone. And it almost always leads me to crying and maybe journalling. That leads to the next point...

Cry. Yes, allow the emotions find expression but within boundaries. Apply self control and try not to lose hold of your emotions as much as possible. 

You can permit the emotions and go ahead to redirect or channel it. I remember one day, months after her death, I just lost it and cried a river in the library one Saturday afternoon. Was reading but couldn't concentrate, my thoughts were everywhere and nowhere and I just let the water works on. 

Thinking about it now, I felt better afterwards. And I tell people crying is therapeutic. Yes, it is. Cry if you need to. There's strength in vulnerability. Don't conform to the conditioning we're used to, that makes people feel crying is a sign of weakness. In actual sense, it isn't. I'm sure you know what John 11:35 says. Jesus wept. A whole Jesus o. Please who are you not to cry??

However, cry with the knowledge that God is with you and He has your best interest at heart. Even if you don't understand yet. Just believe. He's a good good Father. 

So good, there's no iota of evil in Him at all. 

Now in this season, the body of Christ in Nigeria and abroad have been celebrating the life of a legend of the faith. This season in particular has taken me down memory lane more often than I would have wanted and this post is definitely from that emotional state.

Anyways, he fought the good fight of faith and has left a legacy we must all endeavor to uphold. 

He has finished his cause, and even though we miss him, one of the purpose of this is for us to have a recheck and be honestly inquisitive of how we're spending our time here on Earth. No one knows how long they have left and it would be unwise to waste any unit of our life on things that have no place in eternity.

Heaven is rejoicing at the homecoming of a saint and we can only take solace in Christ and face our destiny, so that we can also finish well and strong.

It is well.

PS: Dear Aunty mi, how are you doing na?

How's Heaven?

How are the angels and saints of old??

Till we meet to part no more…

I love and miss you aunty Nyenye.

PPS: I miss the way you call me 'Nancita' 😟

PSS: Please remember to uphold the immediate family of Pastor Dare Adeboye in prayers. I strongly believe God will comfort them and us.

Love and Light

Nancita✨